it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
