Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
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