After last night, I could never be a politician.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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