anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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