Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
