Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize