She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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