On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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