I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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