well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Randomize