She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
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