I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Randomize
