I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
