the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
