So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
