i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize