well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
