what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Randomize
