i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
