Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
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