Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
