I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
