We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Randomize
