At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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