I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Randomize
