so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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