I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
