Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
