The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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