so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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