we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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