The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
