i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize