Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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