the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
