I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
