fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
