she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
