Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Randomize
