My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
vagina is talking i cant
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
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