I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
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