Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
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