remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Randomize
