her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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