Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Randomize
