god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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