Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
