she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
