the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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