I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
