i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
Your message has been received by an unknown user. Picture verification required.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
