I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
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