Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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