Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Randomize
