I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Randomize
