Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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