you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
