Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
