Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize