worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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