Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
