Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Also, beer. Big fan.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
