Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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