Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
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