dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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