I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
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