it was like his penis was on wheels.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
