Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
