Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Randomize
