ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
