everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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