just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
