Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
