Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
